My journey back to me

So week two…..I wanted to talk about being self aware, there are lots of publications that will tell you the best way to combat self doubt and self sabotage is recognising these traits in yourself and that gives you the tools to defeat them. This isn't always correct!!

I have always been very self aware not about my good qualities (although i am better at that recognition now) but rather the things i needed to work on, this has helped me no end at work where i have always been good at working on feedback given being able to subjectively recognise what has been happening and work on it.

In my personal life things are different, so while i am still very self aware of the things i need to work on i seem to allow that little, quite mean voice in the back of my head to dictate how i deal with things. That little savage who keeps telling you no matter how hard you work or what you do that your just never going to be good enough and you should just give up now. Its hard to listen to because on some level you understand that savage cruel voice is you playing the devil on your shoulder I've just always thought there was an angel on the other side to balance the scales but she hasn't shown up yet.

I've never been patient i always want things to work immediately if not sooner, i’m the person annoyed at the pain killer for not working the instant i take it and thinking well i would be as well suffering the headache cause this isn't working! or the person who goes on a weight loss plan doesn't lose weight fast enough and gives up…….its not working anyway is it??

I also tie up a lot of my self worth in how i look which is an added pressure i don't need but subject myself to daily, over the last few weeks i have realised that being impatient and my self worth is just an extension of that little troll voice in my head not wanting me to care or do better because what is she going to do when im not listening to her anymore. This is not going to happen overnight but i feel more able to use my awareness to spot the pitfalls in my thinking and do something about it, i am also painfully aware that even if this awful voice in my head gets less loud it will still be savage and the battle with it wont always be a win, i just need to deal with the failure learn to own it without it defining the entire process. As women i feel we have been engineered to seek approval from others all the time and when this doesn’t happen we tie that into our self worth, were we not pretty enough, not smiling enough, not doing enough for everyone we are almost conditioned it seems to put others first and if they aren’t happy that’s our fault right? This mindset is tricky to get ahead of because it can be an deep part of who we are, seeking the approval of others while feeling unworthy of that approval is a juicy little paradox all of its own. This last week has been a learning curve for sure and has become a test of that resolve, of me trying to silence that voice in my head telling me it didn't matter how well i did i was still plain old awful me who didn't deserve people to respect or love her.

Last week was the first full week back at work and i was working late shift, working in a call center and being a shift worker can mean mealtimes are all over the place and there is a constant threat of takeaway!! I managed to resist the takeaways but was not prepared enough for what the change in eating times would do i ended up not having breakfast till later, eating loads at lunch time to try to combat not having tea at work then had tea when i went home and as a result have only lost 3lbs this week…..i could let that define my whole process (and before this week probably would have) but I've decided to learn from it, a wise woman at work told me that she sticks to her meal times regardless of the shift and that's what im going to do. I've also decided i need to be more organised about my meals maybe making them in advance of a late week so i just need to zap them at work, its giving me plenty to think about but what its not done is made me give up and eat a block of cheese out the fridge or eat a 12 pack of crisps or go into a chocolate coma.

That angry little judgmental voice is still there telling me to give up because im not worth it but im not listening because i am worth it….because i am a good person who deserves to be happy….its still a struggle but i have had an amazing amount of support from people and it is so very much appreciated.

Next week we will be talking about the steps challenge i am doing with people from work, i am actually looking forward to it and this is the next step in helping me get closer to my goal. My weight makes it a harder challenge than it might have been otherwise but it needs done. I will have to accept that the others on the challenge will do it faster than me and complete it quicker but that doesn't mean i shouldn't stick it out until i am done because this isn't about someone else's journey its about mine! I need to learn to stop measuring my progress based on other peoples, i also think this is true the other way around when people judge someone unconsciously based on their own journey and not because they are trying to be awful but because they don't understand what it takes for that person to get there. So be kind try not to judge people based on your experience because that journey is solely yours just try to be there to listen and encourage them that's what we all need.

Hopefully you are all still with me and looking forward to next week, this wasn't what i had pictured writing to be honest but its what was inside trying to get out and i want this to be a place where i feel free to express the feelings around my week so i hope at least some part resonates with you, i am attempting some vegan baking next weekend looking forward to giving it a go.